


gold cage, hostage to my feelings

by maple (leeyoobin)



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Avatar the last Airbender inspired, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship, angsty smut, but i was careful to make it understandable without knowing the show, circus acrobat minji, prince siyeon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:48:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26220646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeyoobin/pseuds/maple
Summary: minji looks particularly energized tonight, her bright sunshine smile shining all the way from near the tent ceiling. and in all of the times siyeon has snuck out to be here she’s fairly certain she’s never seen her this vibrant.
Relationships: Kim Minji | JiU/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 18
Kudos: 78
Collections: DreamCatcher Taylor Swift Ficfest 2k20





	gold cage, hostage to my feelings

**Author's Note:**

> this is for the taylor swift ficfest, and i got "so it goes" from reputation for this one...i feel like i really deviated a lot from that, but it happens. this is set in the avatar: the last airbender universe but super vaguely so if you've never seen it don't let that scare you away! and if you have seen it this is definitely based on some ty lee and azula archetypes so it's really just an entirely selfish thing, but i'm happy with how it turned out and i hope you all enjoy it.

_see you in the dark_  
_all eyes on you, my magician_  
_all eyes on us_  
_you make everyone disappear, and_  
_cut me into pieces_  
_gold cage, hostage to my feelings_  
_back against the wall_  
_trippin', trip-trippin' when you're gone_

_'cause we break down a little_  
_and when you get me alone, it's so simple_  
_'cause baby, i know what you know_  
_we can feel it_

* * *

the entire tent smells like smoke.

at this point, it’s something siyeon should be used to, but this smoke is fragrant and colorful so it burns at the inside of her nose a bit. she’s incredibly focused despite that though, not letting herself waver. she’s in full armor, her lighter set that’s comfortable to sit in but still distinguishes her as crown prince, the headpiece neatly settled around her topknot. it would be unbecoming to rub at her nose or pull a face at the scented smoke clouds that remind her unbearably of the perfume the older noble women douse themselves with at dinner parties.

but appearances aren’t the only reason she’s masking her expressions. because the puffy clouds of smoke are a soft pink color, an acidic blush coloring the entire space. and siyeon knows what that means. her attention is drawn up and to the center, where a dark-haired enchantress appears in a soft pink cropped shirt and leggings, hair pulled up and interwoven with crystals. she balances on elegant scarves high in the air, unmatched in grace.

she looks particularly energized tonight, her bright sunshine smile shining all the way from near the tent ceiling. and in all of the times siyeon has snuck out to be here she’s fairly certain she’s never seen minji this vibrant. 

she’s aware it’s perhaps arrogant to assume it’s because this is her first time here openly, the fire nation’s crown prince proudly seated front and center in the circus crowd, but she’s always been told she’s a bit full of herself anyway. 

right before the first fall, the first terrifyingly triumphant descent spiraling towards the ground, minji finds her gaze.

even from that high up, the eye contact sets the entire room on fire.

* * *

things are so different now, over a hundred years after the hundred year war. but land and people and memories all carry scars, wounds passed down from generation to generation. and siyeon carries on her shoulders a mantle of war plans, a heavy head full of _just in case_. 

at fourteen, it’s a lot to process and sort through. fire lord zuko only exists in tapestries and history books and in the gold gleam of her eyes that never seems to stop passing down through generations. avatar aang is just a fabled memory. the darker sides of history lie hidden away in guarded palace libraries, hoping to be forgotten. 

siyeon isn’t allowed to forget. 

she’s given semblances of normalcy, though. her guards are two kyoshi warriors named dong and bora, who are thankfully her age. and when she finishes lessons at the royal fire academy for girls, and finishes practicing the fire and lightning bending forms she’s had mastered since age eleven, and finishes cramming her skull full to bursting with history and plans for the future, she’s allowed to go out and about like a normal person.

as normal as she can get as the crown prince, with two warriors at her side, fully clad in their armor and perfectly painted face makeup. 

they walk through the city, passing a bag of fire flakes back and forth, and they burn siyeon’s tongue so much that when she chokes down a handful, she releases a burst of smoke and blue flame from her mouth. bora laughs loudly, munching on them entirely unaffected, “so you’re a fire bender, but fire flakes are too much for you. i still don’t get it.”

“i control fire, i don’t control spices,” siyeon rolls her eyes and elbows bora in the side, which is entirely ineffective with her armor, useless except to send her stumbling a couple of steps--still laughing. “oh, hush before i set your fans alight.”

dong rolls her eyes at their banter and reaches for a few of the corn-based flakes, nearly orange in color because of the seasoning. “bora does have a point though. why do you eat them if they’re too spicy for you?”

“to feel something,” siyeon replies, entirely deadpan, and bora bursts into laughter again, dong joining her this time.

there’s a small crowd gathered off to the side of the marketplace where they’re walking, and siyeon is distracted from the two warriors and their back-and-forth, interested in what has gathered so many people. she meanders over casually, hanging back to avoid as much attention as possible. 

the first thing she sees is a man holding a small bag full of coins in his hand, seemingly in offering at first. and then siyeon sees the girl, about their age with big soft brown eyes currently glimmering with tears. the flush in her face is obvious, the pink staining all the way down her neck.

“those are _mine_ ,” the girl says. it’s meant to sound strong but the last word chokes a bit like a sob, all broken glass in her mouth. the crowd shifts a bit and she can see her hands balled into fists so tight her knuckles are white like the peaks of the mountains and her veins stand out at the backs. 

the man holding the coins scoffs, “for what? twisting your body in weird positions and doing some fancy flips on the street? how are you going to stop me, sweetheart?”

siyeon isn’t sure what makes her angrier. maybe it’s his tone, the mirth lingering sticky on every word. maybe it’s the way the fractals of tears in the girl’s eyes shatter and drip down her cheeks. maybe it’s the crowd of bystanders just watching it happen.

but she steps in immediately despite bora’s warning hand on her upper arm, her voice half-dignified half-purr, the cold tone she’s mastered to get her way. “what do we have here?”

all attention snaps to her, and siyeon almost smirks. if the situation were different she might find the immediate spark of fear funny. but not right now. anger rolls in her chest and she knows it’s a bad look, but when the man stutters, “oh...crown princess siyeon...this girl was just trying to take my money--” siyeon’s left hand ignites a bit, hot blue flames dancing around her fingertips.

“speaking as your crown _prince_ , i think you should give this girl her money back, and then you all should get out of my sight _at once_.” siyeon replies. and okay, so perhaps the amusement does tug one corner of her mouth up as the man drops the money and the crowd scatters so quickly it’s hard to picture they were even there in the first place.

she picks up the money and offers it back to the girl, who looks at her with wide eyes, her gaze a pool of brown that reminds siyeon of raw earth, something pure and beautiful that truly catches her off guard. “thank you...thank you so much.” 

“of course,” siyeon nods. “hopefully they don’t bother you again.”

“are you okay?” dong asks from siyeon’s left shoulder. 

the girl’s braid shifts when she nods, “i’m okay...just a bit shaken up.”

“well, how about you come get some noodles with us to help you calm down?” siyeon replies.

and she watches how those eyes light up, a bright smile blooming at her mouth, brighter than any sunrise siyeon has ever seen. “really?”

“yeah, i don’t see why not. i’m siyeon,” she says it as if it isn’t obvious, as if everyone doesn’t know. and she motions to the kyoshi warriors, “this is bora and that’s dong. what’s your name?”

“minji,” comes the reply, “thank you again. really.”

minji is still smiling, so warm and soft and genuine. and siyeon feels a stutter in her chest, the steady rhythm skipping against her ribs as though her heart is trying to escape.

* * *

siyeon disappears quickly after the circus ends for the night. she ditches bora and dong, who don’t try that hard to stop her since they know where she’s heading off to. and all that acrid smoke and the bustle of people leaving the circus tent or buying last minute souvenirs makes it easy for her to go around back, where the performers camp out.

minji’s tent is the fifth on the left row, and the flap is slightly open, revealing a warm glow of candles lit within. in the darkness it draws siyeon in like a ship near a rock-addled shore. and inside minji is waiting for her with her lighthouse smile and her eyes bright and brilliant. 

“you came!” she says happily.

and siyeon chuckles as she closes the flap of the tent behind her, “i’ve been here almost every night the last few weeks.”

“yeah, but you came as _you_.” minji replies, voice musical with contentment. “so everyone could see.”

she stands up from where she was settled on her bed. the tent ceiling is decorated with thin scarves in shades of pink and purple and blue. candles sit on a small wooden table, flickering softly like a curious audience. they watch as minji smooths her hands over the shoulder mantle and then the chest plate of siyeon’s light armor. “i did. it was fun.”

“mm, but everyone will be focused on you, won’t they?” minji asks, pretending to pout but unable to hide the teasing purr in her tone. “the future fire lord, one of the most proficient benders in generations, crown prince siyeon with her blue flames...i think you stole the show.”

and siyeon smiles at her. she can still distantly see the scared girl from the street corner five years ago, but just barely. minji looks different now, composed and filled up with confidence. the flush in her cheeks isn’t from tears but is instead a garden of fire lilies blooming from skyfall adrenaline and a different sort of warmth. 

“i don’t know about that.” siyeon replies, and she smiles a little bit dark, a little bit soft. minji is always so capable of drawing out both. “but i do know that my eyes were _only_ on you.”

minji giggles all breathless and stands up a bit on the balls of her bare feet. her hand slips around siyeon’s nape and she smiles close enough to siyeon’s lips the crown prince can almost feel it. “good. because it was all for you.”

and then they kiss, slow and hot, kindling the flame inside of siyeon’s body so she can pass it to minji’s. the acrobat smells like exhilaration and sugary circus food, but not in a way that’s bad. it’s enticing, and siyeon licks into her mouth lightly to make her release a soft sigh. her hands fall to minji’s bare sides under her pink cropped shirt, fingers pressing into the strong muscles along her spine. her skin is warm and so is her kiss and it’s so tempting to just back her up to the bed.

so siyeon does. 

she removes her thin armor so she’s in just her shirt and pants, not wanting the hard edges to dig into all of minji’s softness. and minji looks at her with the candle flames reflecting in her eyes, her pupils already blown need-dark against the soft mahogany of her irises. she reaches for siyeon and siyeon sinks into her arms, finding her lips again.

siyeon kisses a blazing trail down the pathway of minji’s throat, feeling her pulse stumble and finding all of her flushed skin. and minji sighs and moans softly, almost delicately. siyeon smiles and nips a mark at the junction of her shoulder, which inspires fingers to run through her hair, removing the headpiece and messying her topknot until her hair falls around her shoulders and curtains them both.

“anyone could walk by and hear us,” siyeon points out.

minji smiles up at her softly, “well, i’m just serving my crown prince, aren’t i?”

and siyeon scoffs and rolls her eyes before leaning in and kissing her again, transforming minji’s breathless giggles into a moan as her hand slips under her shirt. really, she could have anyone she wanted, but she wants _minji_. all of the high noble boys promising her security, beautiful girls in their robes and their jewelry giggling at her from behind their hands. 

none of them matter. none of them mean anything to her.

but minji...her former street performer so-called circus freak, a poor acrobat with a soul of liquid gold. someone she can never love but does with the entire lopsided heart in her tired chest. 

and for all of her joking and playing around, minji stays quiet, knowing that they aren’t free to be open. she bites her bottom lip swollen and raw holding back sounds as siyeon lavishes her breasts with attention, ignites her fingertips and gently draws trails of blue flame over the softness of her tummy that covers a strong plane of acrobat muscle just beneath.

“how bad do you want me?” siyeon breathes when she peels off minji’s tights and the undergarments beneath, leaving her bare and flushed with want. “tell me how much, minji.”

it’s dirty talk but it’s also selfish, an expression of siyeon’s need to feel needed, to feel like more than just a pawn in a royal chess game that never ends. and minji checkmates her with each breathless, panting gasp of “so badly. always. always.”

siyeon flips her on her stomach, and minji’s hands immediately find her pillow, pulling it close so she can press her face against it. but she arches her hips up slightly and keeps her thighs spread, her body echoing the _always_ even though her mouth has fallen silent. siyeon skirts flame-tipped fingers like dancers down her spine before quelling the heat so she doesn’t hurt her when two fingers press into minji’s warmth instead.

she presses close to her back, bare breasts against the wings of her shoulderblades, kissing her sweat-slickened temple and nuzzling into the messy hair that once held a braid. her fingers pump slowly, curling in deep every time, each motion beckoning slick sounds and minji’s soft moans muffled into the pillow and occasionally against siyeon’s lips.

and when minji comes undone, shuddering and tight around siyeon’s touch, that’s the real performance. that’s the show she would pay anything to witness.

* * *

siyeon wakes up to minji’s hand stroking down her sternum. there’s a scar there, a badly redirected lightning bolt that imprinted itself in her flesh as a reminder of her arrogance at sixteen thinking that because she could create and channel it, she was invulnerable.

“does it ever still hurt?” minji asks, fingers mapping out the entire thing like she doesn’t have it memorized.

siyeon shakes her head, “no, but it tingles every time i bend lightning. i guess so i don’t forget.”

minji nods and kisses the widest part, right next to that little mole between her breasts. and then she sits up more, the blankets sliding down her body to pool at her waist. “do you want to go into the city with me? i’ve been craving komodo chicken from the market for like...three days.”

and the idyllic warmth of the morning falls away. the sun still shines into the tent flap from a small gap in the top and leaves minji backlit and spirit-like as she gets dressed. but it feels like they’re in the dark, hidden away from everyone in a deep black oasis.

“you know i can’t, minji,” siyeon sighs.

minji hesitates in braiding her hair, lips pulling into a deep frown, “oh, come on. you literally came to the show last night.”

“yes, and i’ve overstayed my welcome for now--”

“you can just say you’re embarrassed to be seen with a _commoner_ like me.”

minji’s voice is harsh as she interrupts her and it stuns siyeon a bit. she can put on a facade of unwavering confidence and control in front of advisers, in war rooms full of generals and in front of her father on the fire lord’s throne. but with minji, she’s nothing but soft edges, made from ash instead of the burning blue pyre everyone else expects her to be.

“that’s not it and you know it. i just have duties to attend to.”

and minji scoffs, “you always have duties. duties, obligations, always something too important. it’s such a tired excuse, siyeon. you just know it wouldn’t go over well if people saw us together.”

siyeon wants to tell her it isn’t true, but she doesn’t have much to do today at all except for some afternoon petitions from the citizens she needs to overhear. minji is right, has carved her right open and exposed her heart. 

just like always.

“i’m protecting you,” siyeon replies, “from what i think they would say. the fire sages. the fire lord. everyone.”

“what’s so sad is i think you genuinely believe that,” minji sighs.

her braid is nowhere as neat as normal. siyeon can see that her hands are shaking as they fall to her sides, and she wants to hold them. but that feels unwelcome and unwanted. “i do! it’s the truth!”

“and it’s the truth that i think it would be worth it. that i would deal with all of the backlash to be with you publicly. it’s been legal for ages, siyeon. fire lord zuko reinstated same-sex marriage right after the war. the only thing holding us back is that i’m not like you, and you can’t accept that. and that really hurts.”

siyeon frowns deeper, feeling slighted, vulnerable in a way that extends beyond her current nudity. she knows minji is right. she knows it would cause some problems but nothing dramatic, nothing really even worth protecting minji from. she knows she clings too tightly to her own reputation, to the perceived reality she’s worked so hard to craft for herself in front of the entire nation. 

she’s always cared too much about appearances.

“i just...i don’t know if now is a good time.”

“it never is for you! when _will_ it be a good time? tell me, siyeon.”

siyeon doesn’t have an immediate answer. she wouldn’t have one even if she sat and thought about it. and minji knows that.

“you can go.”

“minji, i--”

“i insist that you leave.”

no one talks to the crown prince like that. and siyeon still feels that old, familiar spike of annoyance. but she swallows it down, because minji is different.

it takes an uncomfortable amount of time for siyeon to put on her armor, and she slips out and hurries away from the compound so no one suspects anything. and maybe that’s the worst part--the fact she can’t stop sneaking around like minji is secret and hidden.

_when will it be a good time?_ siyeon thinks to the trees as she cuts through a forest on her way home.

their branches whisper together in a language she can’t understand as though even the spirits think she doesn’t deserve the answer.

* * *

the air escapes in a hot, painful burst from siyeon’s lungs as she hits the ground hard.

bora snorts, “ooh, that one looked like it hurt.”

“i’m good,” siyeon says, sitting up with an annoyed huff and dusting off her tunic top as she tries to pretend her head isn’t spinning a bit. “why can’t i get this?” 

“probably because you’re overthinking it,” dongie admits, easily kicking herself into a beautiful, arcing aerial even in her kyoshi warrior robes. she lands neatly, holding her fans, and smiles at siyeon from behind the makeup, “see? just let your body flow with it.”

“she’s overthinking it because she wants to impress a girl,” bora points out.

“aish! stop it!” siyeon says, but her cheeks flare hot and bora laughs, dongie giggling as well though much more politely as though she actually has the respect to not tease the crown prince. siyeon makes a note to get her...a raise or something. she isn’t entirely sure how they’re compensated for guarding the royal family, but something like that. “it’s so i can be more efficient if i can’t bend. i can do this already if i can boost myself.”

“you’re already one of the most prolific benders of your time,” bora says, which is more like it in terms of the whole respect thing. but she ruins it by adding, “you don’t need to do fancy flips without your bending too. you just have a crush on an acrobat.”

siyeon collects herself to her full height, which isn’t that tall but is still way taller than bora, “so what if i do?”

it’s meant to be a clever retort, but it falls just as flat as siyeon’s attempts at acrobatics. 

“well, avatar kyoshi was into both and had a long-term girlfriend. so it’s not like i have a problem with it.” bora says, shrugging. “it isn’t a big deal.”

“avatar kyoshi would judge you for not just going for it,” dongie points out though, arching a painted brow at siyeon.

and siyeon huffs a little, “avatar kyoshi would judge bora--”

bora tackles her to the ground before she can finish, screaming loudly, and siyeon can’t help but laugh loudly even as she tries to fight off the onslaught of tiny hands grabbing her by the collar and shaking her. 

“ah...what did i miss?” minji asks, smiling even though it’s underscored with confusion and bewilderment. they haven’t known her long, and even though they’ve become fast friends, siyeon is sure bora is mildly terrifying to newcomers, and as the crown prince she’s scary in her own way. they’re even worse together.

dongie snorts, “your guess is as good as mine. welcome, by the way.”

“siyeon was trying to learn how to do an aerial without her bending to show off but she sucks at it,” bora replies, quickly maneuvering out of siyeon’s reach before siyeon can hit her. siyeon can see the blush where makeup doesn’t cover her neck and she seems to give dongie wider berth than before.

minji’s face brightens up though, “oh! i can teach you. it’s really easy, you just have to trust yourself.”

and siyeon swallows thickly around a lump in her throat that she isn’t quite sure why it’s there. but it feels like solidified volcanic lava, burning and making her whole face hot, “okay...sure. these two aren’t helpful teachers, anyway.”

minji walks her through it, first the normal cartwheel, then the cartwheel using just her front hand, and then the cartwheel using just her back hand. they’re hanging out in a fairly large grassy area, and siyeon manages not to hit the ground again at all, feeling a surge of confidence fill her up like lightning with the other girl watching her.

“okay, now you just lift your back hand. you already have the whole motion, the hand is just a security thing. you just need to _trust_ yourself, you know?” minji says, and when siyeon finds her facade crumbling just enough to allow the tiniest pinpoint of nervousness through, minji steps in and gently skirts a hand down her back. “i have confidence in you.”

siyeon nearly shivers, even though it’s the height of summer and the fire nation sun always burns hotter than other nations.

but she collects herself and her momentum, tucking her hands and managing to rocket herself into a perfect arc, only stumbling half a step when she lands. she stands up fully, grin splitting across her red-painted lips, and even though bora and dongie congratulate her too, she barely notices, because minji bounds over and hugs her, “you did it!”

“i did it. that was actually easy with your help,” siyeon admits, awkwardly patting minji’s back because physical affection isn’t really common among nobility here. it feels good, minji warm and soft and smelling like fire lilies, and siyeon likes it even though for some reason it makes her ribcage feel like it won’t expand properly.

“i knew you could do it. that was awesome,” minji beams, smile brighter than the afternoon sun.

siyeon gently pulls away from the hug, for some reason worried as though stepping back too quickly might physically wound minji. she tries a few more aerials, landing each one with more confidence, and minji bounces on her toes excitedly. so siyeon grins at her all sharp teeth and red lips, “wanna see something cool?”

“totally,”

she hears bora murmur _here it comes_ to dongie and chooses to ignore it. instead she kicks off powerfully, bursts of flame under her feet shooting her several feet in the air. she uses the momentum to flip fully, landing gracefully on one knee on the ground, hair only the tiniest bit messy around her face. and minji’s eyes widen, “woah. you got so high! bending is so cool, i would love to be able to enhance my acrobatics routines like that.”

“bending is cool but non benders are just as badass,” dongie says.

and minji smiles at her with those earthy brown eyes glittering like gemstones, “you’re right.” she sizes them all up and her expression grows more mischievous, “actually, i have an idea.”

“oh?” bora asks, “i’m interested.”

“cartwheel competition. no bending. i want to see who can do the most in a row,” minji replies.

it goes...pretty horribly. siyeon loses by an embarrassing amount, and she feels hot, fiery annoyance over it. but then bora and dongie both collapse on the grass next to her in a fit of giggles, and minji joins them clumsily on siyeon’s other side. everything feels sort of unreal, the sky and trees spinning lazily above them as equilibrium reorients itself. 

but under the dizzy sky, siyeon is with her two best friends and minji, whose laugh sounds like the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard.

* * *

“why do you like being called crown prince instead of crown princess?” minji asks.

her toes push into the ember island sand, which is cool for once because of the moon shining high in the sky. the sea strokes at the shore like a lover and the sound of the union of ocean and sand is muffled only by the crackling of the bonfire siyeon built for them. even now she pokes at the fire with a stick, nudging the coals beneath carefully.

“it just makes me feel more respected, i guess. it isn’t as bad as it was in the past but girls in the royal family weren’t always allowed to make their own choices,” siyeon shrugs, “so i just like it better.”

minji nods, humming thoughtfully, “i guess that makes sense. i forget sometimes how a lot of your life is mapped out.”

“i’ve been trying my best to dodge a lot of it, if you haven’t noticed,” siyeon replies wryly.

they’ve been friends for two years at this point, and it’s honestly strange that they work well. siyeon is still haughty arrogance and overconfidence and hot lightning sparks of anger. minji is still bright smiles and gentleness and always flowing along instead of taking things personally.

siyeon has considered before that her attachment to minji is because as a fire bender she’s always going to be attracted to the sun.

but she doesn’t know how to form that into words, doesn’t know how to express that in poetry and beautiful things like minji deserves. so she doesn’t. all she does is sit a little too close to her next to the fire after a wonderful collection of days they somehow managed to get to themselves at siyeon’s family beach house on ember island. and she feels a strange _ache_ in her fingers to run them over minji’s arm or play with her hair or just feel the soft warmth of her skin.

siyeon can understand complicated war strategies and the inner mechanisms of a fire nation battle ship but comprehending all her frayed thoughts about her friend is so much harder.

“i’ve noticed,” minji nods, “but it makes me curious. if you weren’t royalty...what would you want to do?”

siyeon thinks it over, focusing on the bonfire more like it still needs to be tended to. “i haven’t thought about that much.”

“come on, surely you have some idea?” 

and siyeon looks at her, tilting her head to the side. her own hair is down for once and falls across her shoulder in seasalt curls. she thinks she sees minji’s eyes linger but she wonders if it’s just the bonfire jumping in her gaze and creating an illusion of sorts. “i’ll think about it. but while i do, what about you? if you could do anything?”

minji looks up at the sky, and siyeon takes in her profile, the arch of her jaw and the way her neck is slightly flushed from sunburn. “i think i want to travel. just...see as much of the world as i can. i think it would be fun to have friends from all four nations and maybe from the spirit world too.”

“i don’t see why you can’t do that,” siyeon says, “i’m sure you can find a way.”

minji doesn’t look at her, but she shrugs her shoulders, “i think right now i have some things holding me back.” and there’s a sort of weight to it, each word falling between them as though tangible. siyeon feels her mouth go a bit dry and she isn’t sure why.

it’s a similar feeling to the first moment minji walked out of an ornate bedroom in the beach house wearing a bikini. it’s similar to how it felt when they worked so well together at kuai ball that no one could beat them and they left the losing teams bewildered on the sand. it’s similar to the way it felt when minji laughed as siyeon splashed her only to have a wave dunk her under in a sort of karma from the moody sea.

it’s especially similar to the night before when they shared siyeon’s bed and minji turned to face her in the half light--with her soft smile and her cheeks pillow-swollen and her eyes so soft even in the darkness, murmuring a _i think you’re my very best friend_ into the night.

“i think i know what i would do, if i could do anything,” siyeon says finally, her voice tight with something she can’t quite explain.

“what is it?” minji asks, finally turning away from the stars to face her.

“this.”

siyeon cups her jaw, gently turning her head fully. she pulls minji in and when their lips meet, her fingers drift to the nape of minji’s neck and hold her gentle but close. it feels like an eternity and no time at all, all at once. 

they pull back and minji’s eyes are wide, her cheeks pink and lips still slightly parted. 

“siyeon?”

“yeah?”

and minji licks at her own bottom lip before she just leans in again, kissing siyeon a little deeper, less tentative. it isn’t siyeon’s first kiss, but it’s the first kiss that makes her heart race, makes her feel like she could defeat entire armies just to protect the intimate fragility of it.

they kiss until they both don’t have breath left and then maybe a little bit longer. and then minji just wraps her arms around siyeon and hugs her, holding her close. it should be uncomfortable because of the nighttime heat but it isn’t. it’s the perfect kind of warmth, and siyeon’s arm wraps around minji’s waist, nose pressing against the curve of her jaw.

“what are we doing?” siyeon asks softly. her breath trembles against minji’s pulse.

“i don’t know. but that’s okay for now,” minji replies.

siyeon tells herself that minji is right. they can figure it out later.

she’s not quite sure they ever do.

* * *

it’s four days after their argument. siyeon wears black and sits in the back of the circus tent this time, her hair down, no makeup except her usual red lipstick. she doesn’t really want to be recognized this time, much like almost every other night she comes here. it still feels like everyone’s eyes are on her, sharp gazes carving her skin from bone, but she knows she’s imagining it. she has to be.

the room fills with the familiar pink smoke, the tangible enchantment, and siyeon really sits and _feels_ the excitement of the crowd. minji is a fan favorite, and for some sick reason that makes her feel jealous. her failure to appreciate minji has left room for everyone else to do it instead, and the acidic realization of that eats away at her ribcage.

it’s more difficult to see from back here, but minji always finds her. she spins so flawlessly on a hoop high in the sky like a quickly-turning comet, and on the final rotation, their eyes lock. minji holds her gaze for what feels like the entirety of siyeon’s life even though it’s only a small handful of seconds as she waits for the hoop to lift and the scarves to fall so she can use those instead.

siyeon tries to apologize but from across the room it feels like they don’t speak the same language, and a thunderstorm roils in siyeon’s chest. she doesn’t stay for the entire show, the clouds in her chest slamming into each other louder than her heart and driving her to slip out right at the end of minji’s set.

she makes her way to the acrobat’s private tent, and when minji comes in a few moments later, she seems entirely unsurprised by siyeon’s presence. but her normal happiness isn’t glowing in her face, either. she seems almost wary, and siyeon feels like everything is spiraling the same way minji does high above the ground.

“why are you here?” minji asks.

“i missed you,” siyeon admits, “and i fucked up.”

“you know, you can’t just say you fucked up...and then keep doing it and expect it to be okay.”

siyeon is a bit bewildered by that. she’s never really been told no before. people accept her apologies immediately because they’re afraid of her, or her family. and it makes her angry for a moment until she recognizes that this is minji, and minji understands her better than she can understand herself, and she knows that she’s right.

“i know. i have a lot of shit i need to unlearn. i’m sorry,” siyeon says.

and minji still looks her over with caution, “like what?”

“like how much i care about expectations? how much my image matters? how scared i am to tell my father and the fire sages i don’t give a fuck that they want me to marry a noble man because it isn’t going to happen? _on agni,_ it’s a lot of things,” siyeon replies, feeling like she’s opening up her chest for minji, snapping her ribs one by one, “i just...everything is always about _honor_. and i don’t think i know what that means anymore.”

and minji swallows thickly, “i can’t just wait around forever. it’s been years. and i know you have your own life and your own struggles and i respect that but i can’t keep hurting myself.”

“i know. i know, minji. i’m so sorry.”

there are crystalline tears in minji’s eyes and siyeon feels like an airbender has pulled all the breath from her lungs and is holding it just out of reach. she extends her arms and minji lets siyeon pull her in. and she just wants to fix it. she wants to heal all of the damage she’s caused.

but fire destroys. it isn’t like the other elements, where it can heal and help and rebuild. untamed, it always takes. it always ruins. 

the only way siyeon knows how to fix minji is by setting her on fire. so she does, falling back on to the bed and pulling the acrobat down with her. minji follows, a jostle of limbs and immediate, hungry kisses. her hands traverse minji’s body, feeling the muscles flex in her back, feeling the strength in her arms but the softness of her cheeks as she cups them in her palms.

she can taste the tears mingling with the want, and it takes far longer than it should for her to realize that they’re burning down her face too. she strips minji of her shirt then flips their positions so she’s on top, and even though she wants to hide her emotions like always, she doesn’t. she feels them. she lets the candle light reflect in the tears in her flushed cheeks and minji holds her gaze and then pulls her into another kiss.

siyeon doesn’t know the right words. sometimes she feels like her tongue is trained only to rule. she knows how to speak like a noble. she knows how to manipulate. she knows how to respond to petitions and enact laws and command generals. 

and she knows how to kiss minji all over.

marks of siyeon’s lipstick cover her cheeks and along the arch of her throat. she presses them against her sternum and her stomach and the insides of her thighs, the deep red fading to pale pink the more devotion she covers minji’s body with. she parts her flushed folds with her tongue and licks at her in long strokes, and in response minji drags her short nails down siyeon’s back and shoulders, leaving behind dark pink marks in her wake.

siyeon doesn’t mind the sting, just gripping at minji’s hips and giving her everything she deserves, almost worshipful. she doesn’t need the spirits, she doesn’t need agni or the dragons or the sun itself. she just needs minji. siyeon thinks she could find her bending in every high, soft moan as she sucks at minji’s clit. she thinks she could get all the strength she could ever need as minji cries out her name when siyeon slips two fingers inside and curls them with each push and pull.

she just hopes her apology is clear in the way she doesn’t stop when minji cums, urging her over the edge over and over until her trembling thighs fall away from siyeon’s head and the nails carving marks into her shoulders shift to try to pull her up to eye level instead.

siyeon obliges and they fall tiredly to the sheets. need aches at her own core but she doesn’t think she has a right to ask minji to deal with it. so it’s a pleasant surprise when minji flips them again and presses her thigh against her. siyeon can feel all of the strong muscle as she grinds into her flustered and feeling strangely not in control of herself. minji finds her hands and pins them to the bed and siyeon lets her, open and vulnerable and _almost_ whimpering her name as she seeks out blind, burning pleasure against her.

minji holds her gaze as it darkens and siyeon’s mouth falls open. she keeps the eye contact as she collects both of siyeon’s wrists in one strong hand and replaces her thigh with the other. and it’s only when siyeon crumbles for her like an entire fucking empire that she feels too vulnerable to let minji read her soul any longer, eyes closing and head falling back with the way it shudders through her entire body.

she comes down slowly, the heat spreading from her cunt and bleeding back more evenly through the rest of her body instead. minji stays above her, gently running her hands over her abdomen and her thighs, urging the muscles to relax.

“the circus leaves in three days,” minji says once siyeon is grounded and back in her own head. the sheets sting against the marks on her back and minji draws more, albeit much lighter this time, against her stomach as she looks down at her. “and this is a different ultimatum than when we were seventeen. if you ask me to stay, i will in a heartbeat. if you don’t...i’ll carry you in my heart forever as my first love, but i think that’s where it’ll have to end. i don’t think our priorities will ever align, and as much as that hurts, it’s alright...i just need you to know that this is the last time.”

siyeon looks at her and swallows around the lump in her throat. she wants to be upset the ultimatum is being pushed on her. she wants to argue that it isn’t fair to expect her to remove her armor and her honor so easily, to shake off everything that’s been hammered under her skin since childhood. 

she doesn’t want their last moments to dissolve into an argument.

she doesn’t want to admit how much she’s allowing fear hold her back, because siyeon is never scared. she isn’t allowed to be.

she doesn’t want to admit she broke a promise she didn’t fully realize she was making at the time.

“i understand,” siyeon says instead. she thinks back to the minji at sixteen, legs freckled with beach sand as she stared at the nighttime sky and told siyeon she wanted to travel the world. even now siyeon can picture her cartwheeling through those stars.

she isn’t sure she can visualize herself keeping up.

minji takes siyeon’s non-answer as resignation, and when she sinks to siyeon’s chest to rest her head there, she holds her tight enough to bruise her fingerprints into siyeon’s side.

for once she wishes minji was a bender so she could burn her touch there. maybe that would be some sort of penance. maybe minji could ignite a funeral pyre for all the things siyeon isn’t strong enough to let go.

* * *

“i’m joining the circus.”

minji sits on siyeon’s windowsill, one leg hanging over the edge and stained by moonlight as she kicks it back and forth. siyeon’s brow furrows, “there’s a circus nearby?”

“it’s a travelling one. they go everywhere, and they needed an acrobat, so i’m joining.”

siyeon frowns, “so...you’re leaving? but what about us?”

“what about us? we’ve talked about this and how tired of it i am. all we do is hide. i had to sneak past the guards to climb in your window to _talk_ to you,” minji replies. they have argued about this before, more than once, but her voice doesn’t hold any of that anger now. she seems older than seventeen, resignation tugging away at some of that youthful brightness. her soft earthy eyes seem different, no longer fresh soil but instead right from a forest of spirits.

it doesn’t feel real, the idea of them being apart. they’ve been inseparable for a year, constant hidden meetings and secret places, lying about minji’s background and identity if they ever risked getting caught. but it all felt worth it, so for minji to be exhausted of it leaves siyeon feeling as though she’s been punched in the stomach. 

“you can’t just leave!” there’s a bit of sharpness to it, crown prince always used to getting her way, “and for a stupid circus at that. the shit they do there is insane. isn’t that _dangerous_?”

and minji scoffs, “for agni’s sake, siyeon. you know i can handle it. and besides! you can firebend. you can _control lightning_. you’re just as dangerous as me doing flips in the air, and i still hang out with you!”

siyeon steps back, away from the window and from minji. she doesn’t have a response, at least not a good one. the “but...but i love you…” comes out more vulnerable than she intends.

“i love you too,” minji sighs. she turns her head to look out at the moonlight bleeding over the garden. siyeon is fairly certain it’s so she can hide her tears. “but i don’t think the timing for us is right.”

somehow minji always makes everything sound poetic. siyeon just feels betrayed and heartbroken, but minji is writing over her wounds in calligraphy decorated with fire lilies. “what does that even _mean_? come on, minji!”

“it means that one day i’ll be back. surely we’ll come back and perform here. and when we do, if you still want me...and things are different...then maybe i’ll be able to stay.”

the emotions are thick in her voice, and when she looks at siyeon her whole face holds them, lips trembling from the effort of not crying. siyeon’s own eyes burn hot and she blinks rapidly to try to clear them.

minji steps down from the window sill into siyeon’s room. she pulls her into a tight hug and against her temple siyeon breathes out a ugly, broken “please don’t leave…”

she knows it’s selfish. she knows that she can’t chip away her own cowardice to give minji what she deserves, and that she’d be ripping her away from her dream of travelling the world. but it’s so hard to give up what she wants. it’s so hard to give up one of the things she holds so tightly it makes her knuckles ache.

the hug separates but it’s so they can kiss again, desperately chasing after each other’s lips like they may never taste them again. minji’s trembling hands hold her cheeks and pull her in so their foreheads touch, tear-shattered breaths mingling in the liminal space.

minji speaks softly, “i’ll come back and i’ll see you again. i promise. and hopefully then things will be different.”

“they will. i swear they will,” siyeon murmurs back.

the moonlight fills the room as minji eventually makes her careful escape out the open window, wishing hopelessly to be bright enough to take her place.

**Author's Note:**

> any feedback is really appreciated, and if you want feel free to hit me up on twitter @firelordsiyeon or on my curiouscat @ http://curiouscat.me/lilacyoobin


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